“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

I was on the phone and the man I was speaking too, asked me to hang on for a moment. I could hear his 7 year old child in the background crying hysterically. Once he calmed a little and was able to tell his father what was wrong, he said that one of the kids that he was playing basketball with called him a loser. I then heard this man yell out to the kids “which one of you called my son a loser?” He then proceeded to yell at another 7 year old child, “what is wrong with you? Can’t you see you hurt his feelings?” The father then came back to the phone and said he had to go and take care of the situation.

After we hung up I sat back and thought to myself, what is wrong with that man? What is the message he is sending to his child firstly, and secondly what message is he sending to the other kids involved?

It made me think about being a kid and of course the old adage “Sticks and stones came to mind. I did a search on the Internet and looked up the old rhyme and low and behold many have written about it. Most go into rants about politics and religion (i.e.) hate crimes and battles of religions and so on. Others spoke about how it has hurt them and affected their lives and they live with the emotional pain and scars. Then there are still others that claim they were not affected by the words but they display a lot of anger and do not show much emotion like they have shut everything down.

We as adults and parents have the most influence over our children. SO, the biggest question is “What are we doing to our children?” Why do we take our hurt and suffering and let it spill all over our children? I had asked the question earlier, what is wrong with that man for his reaction to his child’s feelings being hurt? Well I know what is wrong with him he was reacting to his own childhood and how he felt as a kid, (we grew up together). He was taught the sticks and stones rhyme, apparently the words hurt him more.

I know, I know a lot of you are probably thinking maybe I should put myself in his shoes. I can, as I was physically and mentally abused as a child, which led me into abusive relationships with men. I made mistake after mistake in relationships and would preach to my beautiful girls do not make the mistakes I made. I do have to say that at 17 and 21 they are both very strong and independent women. They both have been through more life experience than most will experience in a lifetime. Neither of them blame or use the emotional pain as an excuse for things they do wrong or mistakes they make along the way. If you continue to read my blog posts you may get a glimpse into what their worlds have been like in the short time they have been on this earth.

I have tried very hard not to let my emotional pain from childhood spill onto my kids, I did teach them that kids will say things to try and hurt them, that they do not understand as kids the impact that they have on others feelings. I taught my kids to accept others as they are no matter race, religion, handicap, whatever the situation may be. I think the hardest to teach kids is to be themselves and that they do not have to change anything about themselves or compromise who they are to please someone else. I have taught my kids that there will always be someone who will accept them for who they are and if they can’t then you don’t need them in your life. It is better to a have one friend for a lifetime than a multitude of acquaintances.

“I always say if you can’t accept me for who I am, I did not need you before you came into my life, I do not need you now.”

Words are just words and it is amazing how we will internalize the hurt and let it consume us and affect our lives in every way. As an adult and mother I know it is my responsibility to teach my children right from wrong and that 2 wrongs DO NOT make a right.

We have to put our emotions about our abuses aside and teach these kids the right way to handle situations and how to deal with them on an emotional level. Too many people use their emotional scars as excuses for the wrong things they do. We have to take responsibility for our actions and ourselves.

Ok so don’t get me wrong it is human nature to want to protect our children, but in situations like that we have to think first. There is a strong possibility that the message he sent to his child was it is ok to be a crybaby, I will always fight your battles. He may have also sent the message to the bully that his kid is a wimp, you tell the rest of the kids and he will be taunted for life. He could have very possibly scared the other kids to death being that he is a very large man. In any event, personally I would have gathered all the kids together and tried to figure out what the situation was and I would try to explain to all of them how hurtful words could be to others.

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Hope

I was on my way home from work this afternoon and someone that I have not thought about in quite sometime came to mind. It was a woman that I knew years ago who died in a tragic car accident.

It happened around Thanksgiving time, the year is foggy but I know it was between 1998 and 2000. I had known this woman approximately 6 to 7 years, and it would be a long involved story as to how we met and the circumstances that kept her in my life as long as she was. So, I will not get into that, but overall we were not close by any means.

As a matter of fact, a few days before her death we had quite an argument. This woman had children and my heart had always gone out to them to lose their mother in this tragic way and I wondered from time to time as to what had happened to them. I am going to try and recount this day the best that I can remember. I don’t want to mention any actual names so I will call her Hope, and a friend we will call Joseph had gone as friends to see other friends we knew that had a band.

They were coming home approximately 2a.m. and neither of them had been drinking that night. Joseph was driving through the intersection of a four lane divided road that is known for heavy traffic. Now they were in a Chevy s10, which is a small truck and the speed limit was 45 mph. They were struck by a full size pickup truck that was traveling at over 80 mph. The large vehicle struck the driver’s door and proceeded to push the small truck into a metal utility pole.

Now both Hope and Joseph are pinned in the cab of the truck. When paramedics arrived on scene, Joseph had died on impact and was basically crushing Hope. They had to pull away the pickup that struck them and then pull Joseph’s truck away from the pole and use the Jaws of Life to get Hope out of the vehicle.

My phone rang in the middle of the night somewhere between 3 and 4 am. Hope’s boyfriend, who was not with her that night, was on the other line in panic trying to tell me what had happened. I was married at the time and my then husband was close with Hope and her boyfriend, so he raced off to the hospital. I stayed home because I had two young girls at the time.

Hope was in surgery for hours while doctors tried stop the bleeding. While she was being taken care of my then husband came home and told me it would be awhile. So we made arrangements for the girls because I wanted to go to the hospital with him. I some how knew that she was not going to make it and I didn’t want him to be alone and/or drive because he was upset.

Then the phone call came from Hope’s boyfriend. He said to hurry because he wasn’t sure she would hang on long enough. Unfortunately we missed her by about 5 minutes. She passed away just before we could get back to the hospital. When we got there, Hope’s boyfriend was just sitting and sobbing.

I went to him and hugged him telling him I was sorry. There were a lot of people there as well, and they were all crying. I could remember thinking “this is not real.” It was like a crazy dream and then a nurse came from Hope’s room and said we could go sit with her. Her boyfriend looked at me and said “I can’t do it,” and I replied, “I will go with you.” He looked at me and said “please.”

He was trembling horribly and I was holding him around his waist as we walked in her room. He sat in the chair next to her and just cried hysterically. I had walked up behind his chair and placed my arms around him and put my head on his shoulder. I just held him as he cried, I knew no words would matter. She was very bloated from the medication they gave her to try and stop the internal bleeding and she had blood all over her from the accident, it was hard to even tell it was her.

I don’t know what made me think of her today but it brought back memories of a time and people that have become nothing more than a memory.

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I'm still here!

To those who have been reading this, I apologize. The greatest reason for my absence is very much based on what you are about to read.... It has been an interesting few months around here.

Like many of you, I have had experiences that lead to questions. The only problem with questions, is finding the answers. Yes, answers come in various forms. But more often than not, we seek our answers from those of greater experience. For much of the last five years I have dedicated much of my personal time to finding my answers, and the results have been very disappointing.

The first "oracle" I sought was someone who possessed uncanny wisdom and abilities like nothing I had seen before. Through my own eyes I saw the unexplainable performed. I approached this person seeking knowledge, and was offered the opportunity to learn something that many may wish they could.

For over a year, I traveled to this person weekly. We started off with extreme enthusiasm. Finally a teacher willing to teach ME. Faithfully, I made the trek every Wednesday, 7 PM sharp. Things began rather smoothly, but then others began to join in and we "students" now totaled four. I thought, initially, that the inclusion of the others would bring a more serious and educational tone to the "classes" we attended. But, rather quickly, it became a messy, innuendo-laden joke. The banter that passed between the knowing and the seekers bordered profane and disrespectful. In retrospect, would now consider it a foreshadow of things to come.

Although the "imp" who instigated the majority of the situation was eventually asked to leave and not return, the educational process continued it's downward spiral into a melodramatic cesspool of rhetoric and anecdotes. When it degraded to the point that it took longer to make the drive than I was learning in the 3+ hours I was there a week, it was time to cut my losses.

So there I was, again, wondering what it is that I have been experiencing my whole life.

Soon after, another distraction required my undivided attention, but more on that some other time......
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Growing Vegetables

I decided to try my hand at growing some vegetables this year. I planted some tomatoes, bell peppers, cucumbers, and I also planted some Russian giant sunflowers and pumpkins. I figured the worst thing that could happen is that everything dies right? Well so far so good. I started seeing some little bugs on the leaves of my peppers and the sunflowers and of course.

I wanted to find a natural way of ridding them so I went searching on the internet and found that a mixture of dish soap and water once a week will keep a lot of bugs at bay. They do not like the soapy taste, blah, I wouldn’t either. Another thing was just to take your dishwater and use that.

I also found something else interesting and it seems to be all the rage. It is basically recycling your coffee grounds. Now I am sure there are many of you out there that know all about these things and are saying “duh,” but this is all new to me. So if you have any great ideas feel free to share.

I have been saving my coffee grounds and I have put some in the garden. What have I got to lose? I did do a couple things in preparation of this. I picked a spot that was close to the house and I put up some garden stone to build an area where I was going to plant. Then I filled it in with organic soil formulated for vegetables, it was by miracle grow.

On the outer sides I planted some spearmint plants. I heard that keeps some pests away. I also planted some sage and thyme. I had some garden hooks and hung some spinners and wind chimes, hoping to keep some 4-legged critters away. Oh and winged ones as well. I tend to it daily and it is really interesting, you can actually tell how much growth there has been day to day. I am really excited.

I have spoken to some others and they are really surprised to hear that it is early June and I have tomatoes on 3 of my plants already. So far it has been interesting and fun. Also, a great way to get in touch with nature, and it is very relaxing and rewarding.
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Home Hospice

My mother and I had discussed, at one point, where she wanted to be when she passed away. She hated hospitals, and she said that she really wanted to be home. I told her that if it were possible, that of course, I would have her home. Well the time came and I panicked, I wasn’t sure if I could do it. But with my family’s support I called in Hospice.

They brought everything to my home, I had cleared out my living room and had a hospital bed brought in. It was put in the middle of the room in front of the TV. She liked it in the living room, it was the center of the house and she could see and be around everyone. Actually, I would say she spent the last, at least, 6 months in there and slept on my couch. Hospice was wonderful; the people were very helpful and supportive.

I knew she was getting close to passing because the last thing she said to me was that she couldn’t see me anymore and she was so weak. She never really regained any consciousness after that and slept most of the time.

I believe she could hear me though, and I would talk to her. She used to like to hear my husband play guitar, so he would sit with her and play softly.

One time I was in the other room listening and I heard him talking to her quietly. He told her never to worry about her girls, that he would take care of us. When I think about that it still brings tears to my eyes. I wouldn’t let anyone touch her, when she was awake she only wanted me around her to do anything for her. So the nurse would come and would instruct me and I did all the care taking.

They even helped me get a priest there to read her last rights and we all gathered around her and said prayers with him, it was beautiful. The night before she passed, my brother made it here from Florida. I had decided that I wanted to sleep in her bed with her because if she went in the night I did not want her to be alone. So I pulled her bed next to the couch and I laid half on the bed and half on the couch. I slept next to her on her pillow and listened to her breathe all night (I didn’t get much sleep).

My brother and sister slept on the floor next to her bed. Anyway, the following day the nurse came and checked her vitals and said it would be another 24-48 hours. I took her outside and told her “no,” I said that she would go that day. The nurse argued with me, and I said fine, and she left.

A couple hours later her breathing started to get really labored and I was sitting next to her holding her hand and telling her it was ok to go. Then, for the first time in days she opened her eyes, took her hand from mine, reached above my head and said “mama” and tears started flowing down her face. Within 5 minutes she took her last breath.

It was amazing and if I ever had any doubt that loved ones were waiting for you on the other side, I don’t have that doubt anymore. Now mind you, her eyes were open and her mouth was open when she passed. I called the funeral home and they said they would be there as soon as they could. I think it was about 2 to 3 hours before they got there and I kept going in the room where she was and I would kiss her forehead and tell her I loved her.

They then came and explained to me what they were going to do, and if I wanted to leave I could. Well I asked if we could all have a minute to say our last goodbye and they said of course. I walked back in the house and as I went to call everyone in the room, I looked at her, and her mouth had closed and she had the most pleasant smile on her face. So I yelled to everyone to come see, and we all knew it was her way of telling us she was ok.

My mother was petrified to die and I know in my heart she was telling me it was ok. That was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it is really weird how you think, “how would I do that?” And then when the time comes, you just do it. I think back now and I am so grateful that I was able to find the strength to do that for her.
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Cancer

Cancer seems to be a staple in my family; most of my family members that have passed have died from some form of cancer. The worst part is that until recently, I smoked and my siblings are smokers. I know it is stupid and I faced that demon, but I did quit after 29 years.

Well, where I was going with this, is that I lost my mother in 2005 to small cell lung cancer. In 2001 I lost my first husband and I had decided to buy a house because I wanted get out of the neighborhood that we lived in. It was getting pretty bad. My mother had owned a double house and I lived upstairs from her for 12 years. It was great for her, and my girls, because Grandma lived downstairs and they had a very close relationship with her.

Well I had asked her, “Ma why don’t you get rid of this place, and the headaches?” It was starting to fall apart and I asked her to come live with me and the girls. I did not want her to be in that neighborhood alone with all the responsibility of the house, and trying to find a decent tenant to move in.

I did talk her into it and, well, a lot of things happened between September of 2001 when we moved in and that horrific day in June of 2002 when they diagnosed her with terminal cancer. My heart had sunk into my stomach and it was like everything stopped. I could only hear faint voices talking but couldn’t make out what was being said.

They gave her less than 6 months to live, but if she wanted to try out some things, they told her they might be able to extend her time some. We were all horrified and she was of course scared to death. I remember holding her hand on the way home and we never said a word. We got in the house and she broke and started to cry. I held her and told her that I wanted her to fight with everything she had and to only worry about herself. I would take care of the rest and I would be her strength.

Well let me tell you it was hard always being the strong one. But I held it together the best I could for her and everyone else and we started the fight. When I think back on all that she went through in that time, she was an amazing strength.

They tried her on so many different medications and the tumors would get smart after awhile. One would show up in another location and they would change her chemo to attack the next one and the next one, it was unbelievable.
Well in January of 2005 they found a pinhead size tumor on her liver and it just took over. She passed on April 15th 2005.

My mother and I were very close and the day that she died was probably the saddest day of my life, but at the same point what I had witnessed was amazing. I will explain that when I talk about Home Hospice.
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Quitting Smoking

They say that quitting smoking is one of the hardest things to do. The withdrawal from it is supposed to be equivalent to that of a heroine addiction. In approximately November of 2007, I said to my husband, that my New Years resolution was that I wanted to quit smoking. I asked him if he was ready to quit as well. He said he was, so we decided to quit together.

I did cheat somewhat and I went to the doctor and asked for something to help, so I was given the new medication Chantix. Well I had the prescription filled and started to mentally prepare myself. I prayed and asked for the strength to do it and when January came I started taking the pills. On, I believe, January seventh.

Anyone who knows about this medication knows you are supposed to take it for 12 weeks. I did a bad thing and decided to share the prescription with my husband so we started and I kept smoking for the first 2 weeks, and he did as well. Going into the third week I started cutting back, and on January 25th at 10 am I smoked my last cigarette. It wasn’t too bad, I did have to fight myself not to smoke at times, but I was determined. I think that I prepared myself mentally and I wanted to quit. That is the most important thing; you have to want it more than anything.

My husband quit as well. He smoked approximately a week longer than I did but he managed. So I only took the medication for 3 weeks. I could not afford at the time, to have it filled again. How long did I smoke? 29 years and I watched my mother die from cancer and she was a long time smoker.

I have my husband and my children, and I decided that I wanted to live a long life with my family. I believe with all my heart that my mother had heard my prayers and helped me fight the fight. It was a lot less difficult for me to quit than I thought it would be. But like I said, if you decide to attempt this, take some time and really prepare yourself and ask for help from spirit. It is there and you will receive the help you need.
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